Mom – Thoughts on Love and Loss
My Mom is gone, and I am struggling to make sense of it. Grief is blinding, crushingly blinding.
It all happened so quickly. While vacationing with H and J in Hawaii, I received a call that she was taken to the hospital. It didn’t seem like anything to be overly concerned about. It was likely her gallbladder; the family would keep me updated. Jael and I had plans to travel to Kentucky to visit family the week following our Hawaii trip, so we decided to stay with those plans unless something changed.
Things changed, and they changed in a mind-bending and heart wrenching way. Tests determined that my Mom had Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She was gone eleven days later. In the blink of an eye, my whole world was turned upside down and nothing will ever be the same.
There are no words to express the feelings of deep despair and emptiness that make my heart constrict to the point where taking a breath is painful. My mom was my life-line. I turned to her for comfort, wisdom, honesty, and unconditional love. She blessed my life in endless ways, and now she is gone. I don’t know where to turn or what to do.
Mom was 86 years old and she had lived a good life. Although she was still vibrant and active, she was ready and prepared to leave this world when her time came. On occasion, I had been honest with myself knowing she may not have many years left. But I prayed for more, for as many as I could possibly have with her. There is no one to be mad at. I am not screaming at God and asking why. There is no one to blame. But yet I cannot find peace. Grief won’t allow it; not yet anyway. So I get up every morning feeling a heaviness, a void. a longing. And I go to bed every night with the same feelings. I feel as though I am existing inside a sound-proof bubble. I scream and cry and yell, but no one hears me. Doesn’t anyone see my pain. Shouldn’t life stop for just a little while. But it doesn’t.
I wish you had known her. She was so sweet, and forgiving, and intelligent. At her funeral, my family and I heard over and over again just how kind my mom was. She was the most selfless person I have ever known, never uttering a bad word about anyone. The best way to describe her is that she was full of grace. I was the luckiest daughter ever to have had her for my Mom.
And where do I go from here. I don’t even know where to begin. I will move through the grief one day at a time. I know harder days are still ahead of me. I will bake. Baking is where I escape when I am in need of solitude. And that is what I need most right now. Just to be alone.
Baking day with Mom
Dearest Mary,
I do not know you personally, only through your website, and recipes. Yum!Your personal expression of grief has really touched my heart. It is gut wrenching to loose “your person”. I have personally taken thought to each word and hope I’ll be able to resurrect the same fortitude you have so graciously put into words.
With deepest sympathies,
gvmaker
So sorry for your loss and pain. God bless you
Having enjoyed both dinners and desserts baked by Helen, I know what a great cook she was. Another accomplishment to add to her many others. She was a beacon of light and joy to all who were lucky to know her. I am sending love across the miles, in the event it helps ease some heartache.
My dear Mary….
I feel your pain. Reading about you and your mother brought back a flood of memories from when I lost my mother 9 years ago. Memories of my childhood and in the end, a reversal of roles with my taking care of her. Holidays will be hard, but please know that you have a huge family to lean on and we are here for you every painful step of the way. And if I can stop crying now, I will just say…. keep her in your heart and mind and her memory will live on forever.
I love you,
Lori
Oh Mary, my heart is heavy with the news of your mom. I lost my mom a year ago. The circumstances were different, we knew of her failing health, and yet I found her passing shocking. Please take care of yourself, as the grief can wash over you as soft and warm as a spring day or grab and pull you as fast and quickly as an undertow of the mighty ocean. Sending you hugs to soften the tears.
May her sweetness radiate through your baking forever! xo
I feel you and m so sorry for your loss!! Keep her memory alive and just pray for her.. That is exactly what I do for my mom. With tears for course.
What a beautiful post, elegant, yet raw with emotion. Words can never describe what our loved ones mean, but you certainly honor her the best way you can. Mary, I am deeply sorry for your loss. You carry the best of who she was with you, always. I absolutely love the pictures of her baking hands.
Helen, my mother-in-law, was the sweetest and most kind person I have ever known.
The love she nurtured in Mary now flows through Mary into every morsel she bakes for others.
I lost my mother 17 years ago, and yet it feels like just yesterday. Your words strike a too familiar chord. I won’t be one of the many people that state it will get better. It doesn’t get better and at times, years later, feels worse. Reality is that you learn to live with the void as it becomes a part of who you are. The beauty is that your were given an amazing gift of not only having her as a mother but having such a close bond with her. My Mom was my best friend and still is. I will never know another person that will know me even better than I know myself. She loved me even when I didn’t always deserve it. My heart is will you.
My heart aches for you. One day at a time …. ♥♥♥
Mary, my heart is broken for you. Sending all my love and prayers…I am sure that every time you are in your kitchen, baking, she will be looking down, her spirit working through your fingertips, and nurturing your family through you. Much love, my friend.
Mary, I am so sorry for your loss. It doesn’t matter how old you are, losing Mom is one of life’s greatest griefs. This year at Thanksgiving my mother will have been gone 19 years & there isn’t a day that I don’t think of her, as well as my dad.
Know that The Lord sees your tears and puts them in His bottle. Psalm 56:8. They matter to Him, as do you. May He comfort you in the days ahead.
Your mother looks and sounds like such a beautiful person. My heart goes out to you, I am saddened by your news. Sending you virtual hugs and lots of love xx